Written by:
Kristin Egener
Photographer:
Laimah Osman
So Juan STILL isn't speaking to me.
At this point I'm starting to get a little pissed off about it, maybe because I'd like to be able to talk to him, or at least to somebody ... but every time I go up to his locker, he grabs his books and runs off.
I guess he feels like I've been really selfish, because I made it so that if he comes out, it's going to expose me and all my lies too, so he feels pressured by our friendship to stay in the closet. Well, I know it was a little manipulative, but I GET THE POINT! We aren't going to have a friendship left if he won't talk to me! I'm scared that he's so angry at me he'll do whatever he wants, but I also know he should be free to do what he needs to ... (sigh)
I just wish I could talk to somebody who won't judge or betray me. I feel like such a hypocrite everywhere I go, every time I open my mouth. It's like once I admitted to myself that I was gay, the world suddenly became more interesting but also more dangerous. Just yesterday I realized I'd been lusting after the entire girls' soccer team for years ... I guess I'd always thought I "liked their uniforms." Whatever! I liked the butts BENEATH those sexy Umbros! But of course I have to make sure I don't stare and drool.
I'll probably give myself away at some point. Also I feel all this anger building up inside of me at how homophobic and bigoted the world is -- it's SO much more obvious since I came out to myself. I sit in front of the T.V. and watch these commercials with their perfect sitcom families and I just want to SCREAM ... that cute little boy eating that "wholesome" cereal is probably a red-hot flamer, but he'll agonize over it until he's 15 because he's not going to realize that total "masculinity" isn't his only option.
He'll wonder why he isn't like the other boys he sees on T.V. ... Grr! It just makes me so mad! There are so many things I want to talk about, this diary isn't enough. But how can I figure out who to trust?
Blah, blah, blah. I don't know whether writing all this down confuses me or helps me. At least it keeps me from breaking down and ending up on a street corner talking to myself, with lots of bags and five cats!
Bye for now
<*smooches*>
~Regina
Regina Babydyke's Cyber Diary is a Curvemag.com Web exclusive.You won't find it anywhere but here. We'll be posting new episodes in the coming weeks, so check back soon for more!
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