Written by:
Gretchen Lee
Strangers often mistake these couples for something they're not.
"We've been out shopping and a stranger will say, 'Oh, is this your daughter?'" recalls Robin McGeehee, 25, in love with Katherine Adams, 44. "And she'll want to put her arm around me and say, 'No, this is my lover.'" Likewise, even well-intentioned comments from friends can be downright unkind."
They'll go into the whole cradle-robber routine, right in front of Jessica," says Nancy Ford, 45, referring to her 21-year-old lover. "Jessica will sometimes say, 'Can't she see me standing here?' It used to bother us a lot more, and now we just feel sorry for someone who can't understand this type of relationship."
Against the Odds
Couples with a significant age difference between them are often surprised to admit that age really is an issue, in one way or another. Still, the challenge these women face doesn't differ dramatically from that of most other couples. Like most of us, they're trying to create their own version of "happily ever after."
"Initially, I think the bigger issue for me was the teacher/student relationship," says Adams of her one and a half-year affair with McGeehee. A professor at Fresno State University, Adams was the director of the graduate program McGeehee had enrolled in. After struggling with the issue of whether or not to become romantically involved, the two began seeing one another only after McGeehee was three-quarters of the way through her program.
For Maia Ettinger, 37, falling in love with Jill Hoffman, 26, required leaving behind certain preconceptions. "I always thought, 'Why would anyone want to go out with someone 10 years younger than them?'" Ettinger recalls. *Now together four years, the two women began dating after being thrown together on a project at work. "I was immediately drawn to her," says Ettinger of Hoffman. "She's super-intelligent and so competent. At the time, she was 22, and I was just shocked."
Payne pursued Ford, now her lover of three years, for nearly a year before Ford finally agreed to a date. At the time, Ford, a stand-up comedian, performed every Thursday night in a gay Houston nightclub. A high schooler desperately seeking lesbian community, Payne would sneak into the club as often as she could, even though she was underage.
The two maintained contact even after Payne went away to school, playing basketball and volleyball on an athletic scholarship at a small Christian college in Austin, Texas. She was kicked out during her freshman year because of her burgeoning relationship with Ford. They began dating more seriously when Payne returned to Houston for college. "I knew what I wanted, and I went after it," Payne says.
"Ours is an unusual story," says Ford. "I fought it tooth and nail, but once I let go and let love work, it sure did." The couple, now together three years, has already purchased rings--wedding plans are underway, although they haven't yet agreed on the arrangements. "I want to get married a bunch of times," says Ford. "On a mountain top, in an Elvis chapel, and just the two of us, by the sea. She thinks I'm nuts. She wants the one-time thing with the church, the family, the cake and that's that."
Growing Together
Many couples, eager to reassure themselves that their love will last, tend to minimize the influence an age span can have on their relationship. "There's a tendency among some couples to deny their differences," says therapist Marny Hall, author of The Lesbian Love Companion. In working with couples in counseling, she finds it helpful to notice whether the couple has an age difference spanning an entire generation, or less.
"When there's a whole generational difference, it seems like the issues are so clarified and different that there's not much tension around them," she says. Couples with fewer years between them seem to struggle more, often polarizing their issues.
The reality, though, is that many partnerships, even those between women of the same age, are not entirely egalitarian. But a disparity based on age holds its own set of challenges, and rewards.
Adams and her previous lover, for example, celebrated their birthdays just one day apart. "There is a perspective you get on life simply by going through life," she says. "My past partner and I shared that. There is a camaraderie and a peership that is very nice.
"Still, I have with Robin certain things that I didn't have with my previous partner," Adams says. "She brings a newness to me...simply watching her grow. I'm intrigued by the witness mode, and there's also the aspect of teaching."
For many couples, a disparity in one area is equalized by a disparity in another area. Ettinger and Hoffman, for example, are at different stages in their careers, and, consequently, Ettinger earns more.
"It's been very hard, in the sense that Maia has wanted to pay for more things and I have not been comfortable with that," says Hoffman. "But the bottom line is that we started having the kind of lifestyle that I couldn't support.
"Since we moved in together, it's gotten a lot better," Hoffman says, explaining that with fewer career demands on her time, she's in a position to cook dinner at home for the couple more often. "Labor vs. buying things--it's all coming out in the wash," she says. "But before we lived together, it never felt right to me."
"You sort of have to let the differences be different," says Ettinger. "To me, it was hard to think of Jill cooking and me just paying for dinner. It seemed like some sort of heterosexual situation. But I had to get over my political angst about it."
Hall applauds couples who buck tradition when creating the stories of their lives. "When you write your own story, you wrest power away from the dominant culture," she says. "There is a very strong narrative that says you should always be equal in your relationship. But it can be satisfying for the older one to nurture her partner. And the protégé can gain something, too."
Getting Serious
For some couples, the age difference that didn't mean much when it was just a fling can grow to mighty proportions when things get serious.
McGeehee and Adams both admit to testing the relationship as time went on. "You want to make sure that the other person is not just doing this for an ego trip," McGeehee says.
"I was paying particular attention to whether she can stand up to me and hold her own," says Adams.
Like most couples, McGeehee and Adams wonder where this love affair will lead them. Sometimes, they find the possibilities are frightening. Adams, well-established in her career, realizes that it might be difficult for McGeehee, just starting out, to find work. "While it scares me to think of leaving [Fresno], she might be a catalyst for it," Adams says. "It makes me think about what permanence may mean to me."
Whether or not to have children is another big issue. "We go back and forth all the time," says Hoffman. "I'm more often on the side of not wanting them. If Maia wants to be pregnant, she's got four to five years left to do that. And that's just not on my timeline."
It's not always the older partner who wants a baby, though. "She's all for kids," Ford says of her younger lover. "Me, that's another story completely. In terms of having a family, she certainly has more time to do that. I'm not saying never, but it's something we're still working on."
Meeting the inlaws can be another bugaboo. "My parents said, 'Are you sure you want to get into a relationship with someone that much older?'" recalls McGeehee. "I had to convince them."
"It was interesting for me to meet Jessica's parents, because they're younger than I am. They know that part of my standup routine is about the first time we all met," says Ford. By coincidence, Ford had her first lesbian relationship in Elyria, Ohio, the same year her current lover, Payne, was born there.
"We've all become close, though," says Ford. "The passage of time has made her parents see that we truly are in a happy, committed relationship. I think they just want their daughter to be happy."
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